Size of God

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There are times when we feel as if we are simply living from day to day, driven by the wind of fate. Or worse, we feel as if our lives are controlled by evil people. Although we are able to sing about about an omnipotent God in the worship of our congregations, life is not lived behind stained glass. In our homes or workplaces, our faith is challenged by the circumstances of the mundane. We must ask if our faith and perspective of God is large enough to carry us through the mundane.

The times our faith is tested by the mundane routines of life are when we begin to question if there is any purpose to our lives. If we question the purpose of our lives, we are also questioning the one who gave us life. In Isaiah 40:21-24 asks us the rhetorical question, “Have you not heard of the power of God?” He knows that we have heard of the power and strength of God, but that we were caught up in the difficulties of their activities and must have forgotten that YHWH is still the Sovereign Lord.

The prophet begins to describe this awesome God who seems to be too easily forgotten. He is viewed as enthroned by all people, who are like grasshoppers. This reminds the reader that even their greatest enemy is still under the domain of the Almighty God. Nature is also under God’s divine sovereignty. Rulers are placed in and taken out of positions not by their sole ability or fate, but by God. The issue at stake here is to determine what issue causing anxiety is larger than God? We should view God’s lordship in comparison to the triviality of our “giants” of anxiety. We must not proclaim God as Lord in praise on Sunday only to let to let that proclamation pale in light of adversity on Tuesday. God is the Lord on Tuesday as well as Sunday.

In verse 25, the voice of the Lord is heard asking, “Who is comparable or equal to me?” God is a jealous God who desires all the worship of followers and is not willing to share any of that worship with any object or idea. The prophet joins in to argue that, in observing creation one sees the power and strength of God. In fact, the prophet is urging us to look in a different direction to view God in a different light.

Apparently the problem rests with the words and the complaints of the people who feel that God has abandoned them (v27). But again they are reminded that the Lord does not grow weary or tired, and is in actuality the giver of strength and power. Those who learn to trust in the Almighty God will find their strength renewed. During the mundane, when our language betrays our faith, we should take another look at the sovereign God and replace our faltering hope. The natural result will be a refreshing and renewing of our strength of the day.

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Cold and Alone

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I wanna die cold and alone. Cold: because I abhor the heat. Alone: because it seems easier.

I fell it would be easier to shed this mortal garb and transition to beyond without company. No one there to remind you of how you had hurt them. To be dying and have to face a loved one that you spoke of as your best friend knowing that years of effort had never assuage the anger you had wrought. There for years, below the surface, scratched and pricked to life by a word that brought the original sin to memory.

To know that no truer words had ever been spoken to you. “I will forgive but I will never forget.” No more piercing dagger could strike at my soul. To lie silently, breathes having retreated to calm, steady whispers and raging, acute yet chronic pains gone yet still yearning to know.

To know if forgiveness had ever come. To know if you had ever been more than a cursed memory. To feel once more the truth of “I wish it had never happened” There in the still coldness of a quiet and delightfully empty place I can find eternal rest.

Rest from knowing how easily it was for one to forget. To erase all. Except for your flaws. How easily it could be said that I don’t remember what you are talking about but I remember and will never forget.

I embrace my flaws as proudly as a thief hanging shameless beside a king and god. They stand forth like living scars to separate me from the banality and commonality of normal. As boldly emblazoned as any deformity of nature, they create a rumbling thunder that trails behind the electrical storm.

Yes. Would be better to die alone. Hidden from the ones I love. More so hidden from the knowledge of my unforgiven state that has tainted relationships and obscured…

Obscured and denied a fuller grasp of my completeness as a person. Alone to feel no remorse or shame for enjoying that I remember and cherish the taste and smells that are the essence of that which I bruised, crushed and destroyed. To lie staring through dimming eyes at nothingness. To lie amongst the vapors of dreams unrealized.

Yes. Cold and alone. Cold: because I abhor the heat. Alone: because it seems easier to die without having learned to live without.

Deep Breathes

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Man! It is the middle of March already. I am so far behind on plans for the year that I get nervous thinking about it sometimes. I have to take a few deep breathes and regroup. Life seems to move too quickly anymore. As soon as I try to celebrate something, I see twelve other things that needed done yesterday.

I am still cameraless as I enter into the race season. That is making it a bit stressful for me and my boss. I get defeated when I start thinking about how this winter’s work plans fell through. Then I start getting concerned about letting my photography partners down and it begins to cascade. I have really been fighting depression this winter. Everything seems like it is piling on. The crazy thing is that it isn’t that life-altering or overwhelming in the grand scheme of things. It is just the sheer volume of it all.

On top of my own personal issues, two of my very close friends are having to deal with serious health issues with their parents. One of them has a mother that is going through the final stages of emphysema. My other friend’s father is undergoing chemotherapy and radiation treatments after having the upper lobe of his lung removed. All of it brings back painful memories. I feel selfish when I want to run and hide from it all. I realize that I am going through nothing compared to the issues that they are dealing with right now. My issues with medical issues are in the past. Even my mother’s knee replacement is minor by comparison. Dad’s massive pulmonary embolism seems even small in comparison. Perhaps I should take a moment to explain that statement.

Dad entered the bedroom at around 7:00 and fell to the floor, speechless and unmoving. Mom called for me and her immediate thought of course was to get him to the deck so the EMTs wouldn’t come into the house. (Those who know mom will understand) She has effected my niece. Andrea was concerned that he had messed up the lamp shade and knocked the bed stand over when he fell. By the time dad was at the hospital is was breathing normally and when the specialist came to check on him in ICU around 12, he was sitting up and eating lunch. The doctor remarked that he shouldn’t be doing that. Dad said that the nurses said it was okay for him to eat. The doctor said, “No you shouldn’t be sitting up. Most people wouldn’t even be here.” They scanned dad in several different ways and couldn’t ever find where the clot had broke loose from in his leg. They couldn’t find any other clots either. He was on warfarin for a while but has been weaned off of it.

In light of how quickly he recovered, it is difficult to see these two go through such serious, long-lasting medical issues with their parents. I know the difficulties they are going through personally and it makes it seem unfair in a way that da is doing so well.

So every time I start stressing over things, I try to remember two things. Take deep breathes and enjoy everyone of them. They are precious.