I wanna die cold and alone. Cold: because I abhor the heat. Alone: because it seems easier.

I fell it would be easier to shed this mortal garb and transition to beyond without company. No one there to remind you of how you had hurt them. To be dying and have to face a loved one that you spoke of as your best friend knowing that years of effort had never assuage the anger you had wrought. There for years, below the surface, scratched and pricked to life by a word that brought the original sin to memory.

To know that no truer words had ever been spoken to you. “I will forgive but I will never forget.” No more piercing dagger could strike at my soul. To lie silently, breathes having retreated to calm, steady whispers and raging, acute yet chronic pains gone yet still yearning to know.

To know if forgiveness had ever come. To know if you had ever been more than a cursed memory. To feel once more the truth of “I wish it had never happened” There in the still coldness of a quiet and delightfully empty place I can find eternal rest.

Rest from knowing how easily it was for one to forget. To erase all. Except for your flaws. How easily it could be said that I don’t remember what you are talking about but I remember and will never forget.

I embrace my flaws as proudly as a thief hanging shameless beside a king and god. They stand forth like living scars to separate me from the banality and commonality of normal. As boldly emblazoned as any deformity of nature, they create a rumbling thunder that trails behind the electrical storm.

Yes. Would be better to die alone. Hidden from the ones I love. More so hidden from the knowledge of my unforgiven state that has tainted relationships and obscured…

Obscured and denied a fuller grasp of my completeness as a person. Alone to feel no remorse or shame for enjoying that I remember and cherish the taste and smells that are the essence of that which I bruised, crushed and destroyed. To lie staring through dimming eyes at nothingness. To lie amongst the vapors of dreams unrealized.

Yes. Cold and alone. Cold: because I abhor the heat. Alone: because it seems easier to die without having learned to live without.

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