Life Experiences and Dying Words

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Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough. – dying words of Karl Marx

Well I have to admit that blogging is not the easiest of things for me to do. I really don’t feel a great need to share a lot of my life with people. I also feel that anything enlightening or truly amazing that I could say has probably already been said more eloquently by some one else. Plus the fact that I tend to be very opinionated and that can really cause some trouble. But I also have found that it can cause a great deal of discussion.

Now I love discussion. I think it is how we learn. I never learned very much in school from reading a book or even listening to a lecture. I learned the most by listening to classmates explain their point of view. The same way in my life in the corporate world. I didn’t get so much out of seminars and conferences as I did hanging out with people after the official sessions and listening to their complaints and ideas and solutions.

Having said that, I have never felt that I have a whole lot to add to the greater discussion or any brilliant insights. I am rather plain and normal (well somewhat normal). But I was discussing yesterday with someone how all of us have unique experiences in our life that could assist others.

Now one of the things that I hate to hear people say when someone is having a problem is “ I understand. I have been there.” I always wanna call bullshit. You have never been through the exact same things as me. You cannot understand my situation fully. I know that these people are trying to be supportive when they say it but it is irritating to me just the same.

I am trying to be more open and sharing with people though. I have been through some pretty wild and interesting incidents. Walking away from a wreck where my head went into the front window, walking away from a wreck where I rolled a car and ended up on the hood. Holding my dying sister as she turned cold and the nurse’s shut off the monitors. Being a 41 year old virgin. (So not like the movie). My therapist and I may never stopped talking about that situation. I once stalled on the railroad tracks as a train appeared out of nowhere. Still don’t know how I got off the tracks.

So I was thinking about the last words of Karl there and thought to myself what a shame it would be if I died without saying enough. What if I was destined to share some great experience of my life. Perhaps fate had spared me from some of these circumstances and forced me into others of them so I could share them. I could try to illicit something from them that I perhaps could pass on.

I was thinking that I could add some weight to those cliché’s of life stuff like seize the day, be yourself, follow your dreams or your face will stick like that. We have heard these things all our lives and sometimes pass them off as silly sayings. But what if I could give life to them. What if I could help someone to make the most of today. What if I could show them how fleeting life is and how important it is to spend it doing what you want to do with those that mean the most to you.

If I can compel one person to throw away the shackles of mundane life and to experience it with a fresh vigor and vision. If I can create in them a spirit of adventurous spontaneity. Then I think I could rest easy without seeing myself as a fool who never said enough and needed some profound last words to share.

Guys and Girls and Stuff

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I was talking to someone today about relationships and sex and the craziness that comes about from them. We determined that it is complicated… too complicated. The statement was made that the world creates unrealistic expectations. These expectations create a whole mess of problems.

You know the expectation that there is someone out there that is going to make your head spin around every time and just give you mind-expanding pleasure. So it creates an atmosphere where you are seeking that experience. Women are waiting for that guy that can give it to them. And guys, well OK I can’t speak for every guy in the world so I will speak for me.

The expectation is that we should be able to deliver that to the person that we care about (ok, the person we are with at the moment). So you know it doesn’t happen and we are left wondering why can’t I deliver that head-spinning, out of body experience to her. Let’s further complicate the matter by adding some previous failed relationships and now all of the sudden a complex starts to develop. I mean Vogue and Cosmo say I should be doing this for her. I am under the impression that since she is reading these books, she is expecting it.

Now the brain starts to work in overdrive. Is it my equipment? my technique? my inexperience? I mean I know that I care enough that I wanna make sure that this is the best experience ever. Yea maybe, a bit of male pride seeps in. (Me man. me make please her) So obviously now that it has been established that I am not delivering we need to ask some questions. It is hard to ask left? right? faster? slower? But you know you want this to be a good thing for her. Tell me what can I do to make it that way. Be patient. I will get this.

But of course how can we expect patience. She needs that mind blowing, body shaking orgasm. And it can’t be any good for her if that isn’t happening. So now we are already primed with the self doubt and the smallest thing can begin to really mess with your thoughts. SOOO, of course. She needs it. I am not delivering it. She is gonna look elsewhere.

You know what I may be okay with that. I mean she needs that and I can’t deliver, so let her go get it somewhere. I am mature and like I said I care about her. I can handle an open relationship where she gets what she needs. I will just reassure her that no matter what else, where else or whoever. I am still here anytime because I care. But you know even caring can be overrated.

Caring adds its own complications. Sometimes things should just be fun. Care free. But here is where the expectations and the media can further mess things up. She wants a commitment. I know this because every movie, book, magazine and person says it. She wants to know that she is special: a treasure to be desired. Pedestals should be built to display her grandeur to the world. I mean surely she wants to feel like more than a good time.

So yea, you tell her. I am not just looking to use you to feel good. You are important to me. I enjoy making you smile and learning how to deliver that mind blowing experience. I wanna make you feel special because you are special. It feels nice just to hold you, just to touch you, Just to rub your back. I like you. No I mean really like you. You are a special person to me, not just a piece of ass.

So now when she turns away, things are really confusing and complicated. Remember earlier where we were worried if we weren’t delivering the quality she needed. Well, that thought is still there. Surely nothing that we just said could be driving her away. I mean I love oyu is what women want to hear. I read that somewhere. Shit, I read that everywhere. So I am 100 percent certain that it must be failings in the physical department. I am not man enough to do her any good. Yea remember the part about male pride.

So yea. It’s complicated. I think I remember why I skipped 15 years between trying a relationship. And then another 6 before allowing myself to think about things such as female companionship. What if Harry was right? What if guys can’t be just friends with girls? Can the whole sum of humankind be that shallow? Is it worth it to even try to be friends if it is only going to be complicated?

What if it is impossible to convince someone that your hair looks nice today means just that? I once had a roommate that got a promotion: I made dinner to celebrate. She didn’t eat any of it. She informed me that dinner was never just dinner. Can that really be true? Can I never offer to buy a coffee just because I want to or because I can?

I mean yea it is nice to make a girl smile in any way you can. (yes that is a euphenism) but does she just wanna smile? does she wanna feel special and loved? does she just wanna have her head spin? Is there a safe, not gonna hurt me way to know?