Winter

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I know that most people hate the winter. The cold and the snow and ice. The long nights that seem to start as soon as you get home from work if not before. The dry skin that always seems to come along with living in the heat all the time. Not being able to get out and go to the park or just hang out in the back yard.

Me? I love the winter. Everything slows down for me and I can think. I can write and catch up on my reading. I have been getting a lot of reading done this winter. Some books I have been meaning to read for months. Some books that I have been looking forward to rereading. I will blog about some of the books here or you can check them out at goodreads.com

The other thing it does is it allows me to be alone with myself. I know lots of people love to be around other people and going all the time, but I love to just slow down and be alone. Winter allows me to do this. I get to just be me. My mind is not tossed and turned by a lot of things (normally).

I love sitting in the truck and watching the birds at the feeders. I love making the first footsteps in the new falling snow in the woods. Something about being alone and just seeing nature around me grounds me. The soft sound of the wind blowing in the trees. Hearing crunch of snow as a rabbit runs across the frozen snow. The fluttering noise of a bird amongst the barren blackberry vines. There is something peaceful about just sitting and feeling the crispness of the cold air awaking my skin with its touch.

Here in the dark and cold, I can feel alone. I like the feeling of alone. That is why this blog is so hard for me at times. I hate sharing myself with others. Even if it is behind the veil of these words.

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15 January 2011

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15 January 2011

Originally uploaded by jwill9311

Stress and Stuff

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I am sorry I have been neglecting this blog. This year has been a wild one already. There is so much on my mind to blog about that I do not know where to start.

Church

Our church is going through a lot of turmoil lately. Our pastor suddenly resigned at the end of December. Of course, we have lost several members because of this. It is always odd to me how many people go to a church based on the personality of a preacher. Then there are those people that seem to drift around from church to church. Never really settling anywhere. It makes it hard to build a church family when everyone just floats in and out and never stays long enough to get to know others or for others to know them.

It is odd to see people who claim to be so dedicated to the church and its ministry to the community that can run away so easily at the first signs of trouble. The couple that was our youth leaders have left. They left without a word.

I also hate to see people leaving for a more secular reason. They take a lot of money with them. I know church isn’t about money but there is a basic need to keep the utilities paid. I don’t want to see the church close down, but at the same time I don’t want to see it drag on barely getting by.

Friends

One of my closest friends is going through a serious illness with their father. I hate seeing them go though just because , but I also hate seeing it because they have just recently been able to reestablish relationships with their family and it seems like this is just an insult. Another one of those circumstances that really makes me question the wisdom of God.

Birthday

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Well I have a another year under the belt. It is kinda neat that the birthday comes so close to the new year. I can look back at the past year from two perspectives. The past year has been a wild ride around here. There was another early year ice storm and they continue to tear apart downtown to “improve it”

I am hoping that is what is happening to my body. My feet are beginning to drive me crazy with their drying and cracking. The doctor things my blood pressure could stand to come down and my heart rate is elevated. And the nurse wasn’t all that to look at to be honest.

Had some foreign material removed from under my arm. That was an experience only made better by the infection at the incision site. Made for some fun standing in the middle of a dusty race track holding a camera trying to keep it clean and dry. It would have been a good time to have had stock in the gauze industry.

I went through the year with no eye infections which was the first time in three years. The cataract is still growing and I can see it floating around in my vision ever so often but surgery is still more than I can afford. OK let’s be honest five dollars is more than I can afford most days.

Speaking of money. The camera finally played out. It had some help from me leaving a window down in a rain storm. I have not been without a camera in a long time. Come to think of it I have always had some kind of camera available. I still have the film cameras but it is getting impossible to find anywhere to get the film developed.

I am doing 365 again on flickr this year. Been interesting doing it with the point and shoot for the first few days. It has made me think about them more and concentrate on the processing.

Let’s see. Love life: Still single and childless. Still spoiling the niece and nephews and anyone else that will let me though. It is nice being able to send them back.

Personal relationships: met some incredible folks and have reconnected with others. Have lost a few friends through the year due to their craziness and fading away. I miss them a bit, but at the same time… new friends are good.

Check out the 365. Continue reading the blog and let’s see where my 43rd year goes.

 

 

Hopeless

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Mediocrity has a way of sneaking into your life and stealing away bits of your soul. It appears as grey blotches on the canvas of life. It seeps slowly across you and enters your bloodstream poisoning your virility.

It eases softly against your hopes and dreams rubbing the shine off of them and exposing the fears that you have hidden from yourself  for years. Brave dreams are rubbed with the abrasions of other’s words. You hear them for truth for the first time in your life. Everything that has ever been said carries a weight that you have refused to give it before. The thoughts of others become your reality.

Age becomes more than a number; it becomes a measuring stick for all the things that you have failed to accomplish. The list of things I wanna do before age… becomes the things I wanna do before I die. Challenges are no longer faced as obstacles to be charged through but risks that are too great to be overcome.

Until deep in you there stirs an energy born of stubbornness perhaps. The doubts and dismissive words of others birth in you an anger. More than an anger at the doubters or the words the anger is at yourself. You remember the gifts and talents that are within you and the dreams that they once created in you. Shackles of doubt and fear fall away and leave you unfettered to proceed forward.

Aggression and depression give way to determination. The sparks and embers of hopes that you have repressed and attempted to smother burst forth in a  blazing fire of creativity. The weight of your experiences that once rested upon your shoulders and bound you now is a foundation to stand upon. A resource of thoughts and ideas that free your mind and expand the way that you look at your craft.

Free now of the fetters of what you once accepted as reality, you are freed to explore the expanse of the possible that you once never saw. Long forgotten are the small nagging perceptions of others. The only sound that reaches your spirit is the rush of freedom.

Just So You Know

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If you are going to fall in love with me,
It’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with…..

You are falling in love with my insecurities (I have many)

And my obsession with trying to make everyone I love happy.

You are falling in love with my immaturity (sometime I just dont wanna be a grown up)

My constant need to feel loved and appreciated,

My overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession,

And my tendency to jump to conclusions and over react.

You fall in love with my troubled past,
My unrealistic hopes and dreams,
And the fact that I seriously believe they could come true.

My illogical thought process,

And how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart, despite myself

If you fall in love with me,
You fall in love with my self-hate, all my imperfections,
And my perception that nobody could ever love me the way I truly want to be loved.

You fall in love with the history that has caused me to think this way.

But you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you,

The way I’ll text you in the mornings just to tell you I hope you have a great day,

And at night, to wish you sweet dreams.

You’re falling in love with the occasionally thought-provoking things I say,

And the silly things I do in an attempt to see you smile.

You are falling in love with the way I blush when people ask me about you,

And how I’ll hold your hand, even if we’re fighting.

But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me,

Despite my thinking that it is impossible

New Year’s Day

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Happy New Year 2011

Okay, so far today I have taken my niece to meet her parents, drank almost three bottled waters and run out of coffee filters. I am hoping that what you do on New Year’s is what you do all year saying is wrong.