I am a wall builder. No. I do not mean that I am a carpenter. I mean I am a wall builder. Personal relationships scare me. They hurt me and I shy away from them. Which makes me a wall builder. I construct walls between me and other people. I do it in a variety of ways. I try to make everything a joke, I find something that I know bothers the other person and I will pick at it and I hide as much of my personal life as I can. I am damn good at it too. I have very few close friends. Ok So I have one.

The funny part of the situation is that I fuss at my friend all the time for building walls. They need time alone and just some quiet space on occasion as do we all. What do I do when they try to retreat to that place. I beat on the doors of the wall, I try to jump up to see over it and even pound my head into the wall until I am laying aside bruised and battered and they have to come out from behind the wall and reassure me that everything is okay.

In the past year, I opened myself up to new experiences and a new openness of myself to others. It has been scary. There have been times that I have been scared of where my emotions and feelings were taking me. I have been scared of my abilities in ways I have never been before. I am realizing that part of being open to others is beginning to grow concerned about their feelings also. For the first time in my life, I have been worried about disappointing people. Of falling short of their expectations of who I am and falling short of what they looking for me to be.

A friend of mine used a phrase this year that struck me as interesting. They spoke of falling for a situation. I am tiptoeing through this whole new found openness with just that sense in my mind. I am not sure if I like the idea of being open to others more than the actual being open to them.

This blog is going to go a long way into discovering which it is. Some of you reading these blogs will have heard some of this before. Maybe several times before, but I am going to strive to be more forthcoming about myself and my hopes dreams. So buckle in, open your eyes to the world around you and get ready. Right now we have a full tank of gas and I am ready to mash the accelerator to the floor and see where this goes. It may run straight into a wall sometime in January but the plan is to run full throttle through a new year of blogging and sharing and growing and tearing down some walls that I have built.

 

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